lilianic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seek and destroy I feel like I don�t have any meaningful connection with anybody. I know this isn�t true, but I�m not close to anybody in the way that I want to be. I�m not explaining this well. It�s like this � I am not alone in the world, but I have many people who serve various emotional purposes. I want one person who I can share everything with. I have my �fun friends,� with whom I don�t discuss anything serious. Then I have my �serious friends,� those people who I turn to when I�m having a crisis, or who come to me when they�re suffering from confusion. I have my �religious friends.� They�re not all of the same faith, but they share a similar orthodoxy that relieves me. I can be around them and have conversations that generally stay in the G range. I believe that if I got together with both my religious friends and my fun friends, I�d be the same person, but I know that there are limits to how comfortable I am with each group. And this is the problem. I can�t stand to be fragmented like this. I want to be able to be myself with at least one person. I want to feel loved and accepted for all the facets of my personality. I feel like this is never going to happen, and the burden that this places on me often seems unbearable. I don�t want to feel this way. I know that part of the problem is that I won�t allow people to care for me in the way that they would like. I push people away, and I recognize this and thought that I was getting better, but being home has made it easier to regress. Another issue is the fact that I like to be pursued, and to have the choice not to engage myself with others. The thing is, people do not possess infinite patience. I know that I don�t. I wouldn�t continue to extend myself to a person who kept rebuffing my advances, and I know that my friends are the same way. Who could blame them? I can�t, and I don�t, but meanwhile, I stand back and watch myself systematically destroy all of my networks. 00:23 - 2003-10-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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